Friday, March 19

I mean, I could do a usual kind of blog. Writing down my routine is part of my routine, after all, and we all know I like a routine.

But is it always necessary? You know the events and the order they take place in—meditation, shower, breakfast, reading, yoga, lunch, reading, meditation, yoga, dinner, reading, tv shows, etc.

Perhaps, instead, I will share some of the little secrets about my room.

Pieces of my mom's art work are displayed strategically all around me.

I tried to put out photographs, but they all got blown down when I turned the AC on. Except this one.

Rocks I collected in Utah are scattered around.

I brought this beautiful salt collection, complete with beautiful descriptions, that my mom sent me, and sometimes one of my less-flavorful meals will get a sprinkle of French sel gris or Peruvian pink spring salt.

In the nightstand between my bed, I have a pair of pale pink crushed velvet pajamas and a pale pink bra from Megan, but it all seems too beautiful to wear.

Roman gave me a crystal to put somewhere that catches the light, but it seems my room doesn't get any direct sunlight, because I can't make any rainbows appear.

I boil water several times a day and refill the empty water bottles once the water in the kettle cools. Even though I read that the tap water in Bangkok is safe to drink.

I have a large stash of tea, but I'm still afraid of it running out.

I have a small supply of chocolates that were given to me by Arica, Ruby, and my mom. Precious.

Was that fun, or just very silly?

Anyway, one unusual thing did happen today...I left the room. Can you believe it!?

I knew that on Day Five we get our first Covid test, so I was prepared for something to happen after I woke up. I even put on real clothes.

At about 9:00am, my phone rang for the first time ever. I had a really hard time understanding what the guy on the phone was saying, but eventually gathered that he wanted me to take the elevator to the second floor for my Covid test. And I did.

It was so strange leaving the room! It felt so forbidden. I kept waiting for someone to shoo me back into my room. But I took the elevator down to the second floor and just around the corner, a woman was waiting at a little folding table. I told her my room number and she pulled out a plastic bag with a couple of swabs and a test tube in it. First she swabbed my mouth, and then she swabbed my left nostril. And oh, that sucked!

I was nervous before my first Covid test (in St George) but they didn't actually put the swab that far up my nose. Afterwards, when I mentioned that it wasn't that bad, the lab tech (nurse? MD? I'm not sure) said that they don't have to go that far up the nasal cavity for the RT-PCR test, unlike what they do for the rapid test.

So I'm guessing the test this morning was the rapid test. She stuck the swab up up up my nose and it tingled and stung and and felt so fucking weird and she kept moving the swab higher up and I thought it doesn't GO any further up!

Or as Roman said when we texted after (he got his test too), a nose is just a nose...not a passageway to another dimension.

At least I didn't happen to think of a wire hanger while the swab was happening.

On the way back to my room/entire world, the hallway looked so small, not this huge mysterious space looming from the other side of my keyhole.

So, it was not a terribly fun experience, but it was still exciting to have something happen.

A little digression...Roman and I talked for the first time on the phone last night (!) and it was when we were talking that I realized that the following day was Day Five. AND if our test comes back negative, on Day Seven we'll be allowed to leave our rooms for scheduled trips to the rooftop.

In my mind, Day Seven is a big turning point—it's almost the halfway point and, more importantly, starting then, I won't be spending 24 hours in this room. I will leave this room!

I kind of couldn't believe it was happening so soon, and I felt a little lurch when I did realize it.

I thought, But we just got here! There are so many more meals I have to try! Then another voice said Girl. The food here is NOT that good.

I think much of the reluctance I have to leave has to do with the fact that entering Bangkok proper means I have to try and get a job, and I have a lot of anxieties about that. What if we can't find jobs? What if everyone has already hired teachers for the term starting in May? What if they don't want to help us obtain work visas? What is one of us gets a job and the other doesn't? What if we can only find jobs that start immediately and then we can't GO TO THE BEACH before our (probably year-long) contract begins? What if I mess up and take a job with lower pay and no health insurance when there are better opportunities? Etc, etc.

But I think I also felt some clinging to quarantine—because I'm getting used to it, but also because there are things I enjoy about being alone. I like never having to check in with or consider anyone else about when I wake up, when I eat meals, the temperature of the room, the music I listen to or don't listen to, which lights I turn on, what I do all day, or what time I go to bed. That thought immediately made me feel guilty, thinking of Roman, who I love living with. And living with someone you love involves compromise, of course. Is it selfish of me to enjoy not having to consider another person?

And also, I thought, maybe there was something wrong with me for enjoying all this solitude. Am I made in a strange way that I don't mind being by myself for so long? And maybe I'll get so used to the solitude that I'll be less adept at interacting with other people!

But I set an intention yesterday to be compassionate to myself, so I figured I could try and just allow whatever thoughts and feelings came up. And maybe there is something fortunate in it—I mean, I don't totally hate quarantine. I even like some things about it.

However, when I got that test today, and my little taste of freedom, I don't find myself clinging to quarantine AT ALL. I'm ready to be in Bangkok for real!

Anyway, I'm not trying to Kill All Routine. Here are pictures of my meals for the day: