Sunday, February 6

Tiny temple at the corner of an alleyway in Ratchethewi

Some notes from this week...

So Darren and I are putting together a reading of The Moment—a one-act musical I started writing when I was in Chicago. I had talked to Rory about composing the music for it, and he was interested but then, you know, life happened and Covid happened and I never really followed up. But Darren wants to be working on theatre projects and he is such a tireless networker on my behalf, that I figured it might be fun to put together some readings. 

My idea is to do an informal table read with actors only—so I can hear the script read aloud and make changes based on that. After that, we’ll put together another reading with a very small invited audience of theatre professionals (taking all the Covid precautions we can)—so I can get some feedback on the book and lyrics.

Last week, I met with Darren and a French guy—Yamine—who rents a small black box theatre near MRT Lumphini, and Yamine said we could do the invited reading at the theatre (Ekkolo), while the actor-only reading will be at Darren's condo. 

And then on Saturday afternoon—at Yamine’s suggestion—we put together a little casting session at Ekkolo Theatre. A handful of actors came to the theatre and we chatted about the project and the script, and they read from the sides I provided, and we were able to cast it! It was a pretty fun process—the actors were very excited about the project and interested in supporting its development. The theatre scene here is more amateur than professional, and it actually felt better than auditions often do—we didn't make the process super formal and it felt more friendly and relaxed.

I feel a little anxiety about how kinda seat-of-the-pants the organization of this project has been but, hey, that's often how things go in Bangkok. And the reading doesn't have to perfect—other than admin costs and a small stipend for the actors, I'm not planning on spending much money, and I think I'll get valuable feedback from the process, however it goes. And it's just exciting to be involved in a creative project again!

Another thing from this week (this turns into quite a long reflection, so if you want to get to the fun stuff, skip to the photos below)…I’ve been attending weekly meditation meetups at the Bangkok Shambhala Center since we’ve lived in Nana. It’s a small group that meets on Wednesday evenings to meditate and then read from a dharma book and discuss the reading. I had only attended one or two Shambhala centers in the past, but some of the Buddhist teachers I’ve read and like—Pema Chödrön, Lodro Rinzler—practice in Shambhala.

Anyway, I knew vaguely that there was some kind of controversy about Shambhala (cult allegations?) but I hadn’t really investigated them until recently, and I was pretty horrified by what I discovered. I don’t want to go into the whole thing exhaustively, but there have been allegations made against the head of Shambhala, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, of sexual assault. There have also been allegations that Shambhala leadership colluded to cover up this behavior and silence anyone speaking out about it. After an independent investigation found the sexual assault allegations to be credible, the Sakyong apologized that some women he had relationships with had felt themselves to be harmed by him. Then a letter from six of the Sakyong’s personal bodyguards came out, backing up the assault allegations, and also describing the Sakyong’s many sexual relationships with his female followers, as well as physical and psychological abuse of the people working for him, a serious drinking habit, and misuse of organizations funds.

At that point, the Sakyong stepped down from teaching, but not long later he was scheduled to lead a retreat in Nepal. Around that time, Pema Chödrön stepped down from her position in Shambhala, saying she was disappointed that everything seemed to be proceeding “business as usual” within the Shambhala leadership.

Things have continued to change since then—there’s a new board, a new code of conduct, a new process for registering complaints. But it’s not very clear to me if people within Shambhala feel that it’s actually changed—it seems to me many of people who were most concerned have left Shambhala, feeling that these problems were entrenched within the organization.

Anyway, I was wrestling with this and with how to feel about my weekly meetup group. Although I’m not very invested in Shambhala specifically, it is meaningful to me to have the sangha here. But the book we just started reading is one of the Sakyong’s books. There is a statement about addressing harm in the Shambhala community on the Bangkok Shambhala website, but I wanted to know what everyone else in the sangha thought—if they knew about the allegations, and how they felt about being part of the Shambhala community. 

So I brought up some of my feelings on Wednesday and the group listened and were very supportive, but I don’t think they really feel the same concerns that I do. The group leader has a long history with Shambhala and has met the Sakyong and is skeptical about the credibility of the accusations. The others there hadn’t heard anything or else hadn’t read much, and I think mostly felt that the Bangkok Shambhala group is wonderful and supportive and provides something really important in their lives.

I don’t know. I came out of that meeting feeling kind of sad. And like I was a little alone in my feelings—which I know isn’t true. I was processing a lot of feelings during that meetup and I didn’t articulate everything I was feeling, so I wanted to do so a little bit here (and yes this IS turning into a journal entry).

The most personal and deep thing I feel is just sadness. And disappointment. I am sad that the head of an organization that has helped me a lot, that espouses such wisdom and compassion, would create so much harm. I am disappointed at the regularity with which men in positions of power use it to sexually abuse people with less power. I am disappointed to see Shambhala as an institution operating in the way so many institutions do—rigidly protecting its leaders and silencing criticism whatever the cost.

I have other feelings too. Shambhala is a new branch of Tibetan Buddhism, started by the Sakyong’s father (Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche), and this makes me feel some skepticism toward the teachings. Can I have faith in a book that describes how to live mindfully and compassionately when it was written by a person who has on so many occasions acted in a completely opposite way? I think this reaction is probably the most healthy, the most useful for me. Buddhists I've met say to approach all teachings with a degree of skepticism—to not trust teachings because the teacher tells you to, but to test the teachings against your own wisdom and experience and determine for yourself if they hold up. Don’t blindly trust anyone who says they know the answers. This, I think, is what is meant by the saying, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.”

I also realize how little I know about the Shambhala structure and I am a little wary of that now too. Apparently in Shambhala, the Sakyong is considered the “king of truth” and the incarnation of Mipham the Great, a renowned Nyingma scholar and meditation master? And Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche received many special “hidden treasure teachings” that had been hidden by ancient Tibetan Bön and Buddhist visionaries to be revealed for our times by him? And in order to obtain this wisdom, the followers must receive it through the leadership?

What I am most skeptical of is not so much the mysticism (I feel like it’s weird, anyway, for a Westerner to label Eastern (or indigenous!) teachers they don’t know much about as “mystical”). BUT…I am very skeptical of organizations structured around a (male!) guru and the hierarchical and patriarchal (and monarchical) nature of that.

There’s ALSO, for me, an ethical question of…do I want to support an organization that may still be doing harm? That may have built into it a system of hierarchy and compliance that, if not significantly restructured, will continue to allow for harm? I mean, I’m not a leader in Shambhala and I don’t pay dues, but I do contribute a weekly donation and…particularly in my meditation practice, I want to be part of a group working to reduce harm.

Anyway, like I said, none of this was really resolved for me on Wednesday. I will probably continue to go to the weekly meetups for now. I will ask where our donations go. I will sit with my feelings, and I’ll proceed from there.

What else? My students! Little Asher came fully out of his shell this week. One morning, I arrived to teach and he was sitting outside the classroom, drinking his milk. When I came up, he said, Teacher, I stopped crying!

I said something like, I see that, thinking he meant he had just been crying and had stopped (Asher is the silent, stoic, morning drop-off crier). But as I walked into the classroom, I thought maybe he meant he had stopped crying in the mornings all together. I didn’t see him on my Wednesday greeting day, so I’m not sure, but I can say he was WILD this week. Adorable, but wild. He was tickling me during skill group, dancing with abandon during song and dance, and climbing on my back like a monkey while I talked to one of the other students during review. I’ve never before had to ask Asher not to do something—and this week I had to ask him multiple times. I can still hear myself saying Asher in a warning voice. He may also continue to persist because he can tell I find it so damn funny.

Also, after song and dance, Asher looked up at me and said, Teacher, you have a big tummy. Thanks, kid!

Pi continues to be an adorable little havoc-wreaking sprite. He runs around the kindergarten on his tiptoes with a smile on his face, creating chaos where ever he goes, oblivious to whatever anyone says to him. When he is not in running mode, he limply and smilingly lets the other kids push him around and pull at his limbs, though I try to put a stop to that. I read a book this week called Croc, What Croc? and felt almost stunned. The spacey cheery duckling obliviously hopping on a crocodile has the exact same vibe as Pi.

On Friday, after work, Roman and I went to Rathchethewi to get crispy pork with rice and greens for dinner, and to stock up on some essentials—we bought eight duck eggs, two chicken eggs, ten packet of khao neo (sticky rice) to pop into the freezer, a half kilo of jackfruit, a head of garlic, mustard greens, and ten young coconuts with a machete slice in each.

We also got caught in a huge, sky-opening, skin drenching downpour. We watched from under the 7-Eleven awning for a long time, hoping it would let up.

When it didn’t, we headed back into the 7-Eleven for some plastic parkas, then went out into the rainstorm to finish our shopping.

Back in Nana, Soi 6 was totally flooded, and we watched cars try to navigate the road, while rainwater sloshed up onto the sidewalk.

Making my way up Soi 6

Although the parkas kept our heads and torsos pretty dry, we were otherwise soaked, and came home to do laundry, take hot showers, and enjoy some coconuts.

On Saturday morning, I made one of our special weekend breakfasts—buttered olive toast and bacon and jackfruit and mustard greens cooked in bacon fat. I had planned to fry a couple duck eggs, but when I cracked the first egg over a bowl, I discovered we had bought salt-cured hard boiled duck eggs! Yikes! So I peeled two eggs and sliced them thinly to disperse the saltiness a bit. Still, with the bacon, it was kind of a salt bomb breakfast.  

Later, I got out our new blender and made peanut butter for the first time (!) and a plum mango cake. I’ve been seeing these fruits around that look like apricots, but I found out they’re actually a type of mango—they’re called plum mango, or Marian plum, or maphrang. They are small, with a purple seed and flesh that tastes like a mango. 

You can eat the skin, but it’s fairly tough, and they aren’t that nice to eat out of hand. So I decided to cook them down and blend them (new blender life!) and then substitute the purée for applesauce in an applesauce cake. And…that’s what I did. After the cake cooled, I frosted it with a cream cheese frosting flavored with a little plum mango purée.

You've already heard about my Saturday afternoon auditions, and I spent the rest of the evening doing follow-up to that.

On Sunday, I talked with Martin and Ellen and Michelle, and then met my friend Van for buffet lunch at a Filipino restaurant near Ratchaprarop. We were the only ones in the place and it was quite a spread!

The lunch buffet 

The dessert table

After lunch, I headed home to pick up some groceries, do more play reading prep, take a swim with Roman, and chill.